Lie to Me (4/4)
Jun. 23rd, 2015 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
london9callingPart [1] [2] [3]
It was a conversation late at night.
“Do you wish your life was different?” Luhan asked, his hand finding Minseok’s as they sat on the couch in the dorm living room. Everyone else had gone to bed, leaving the two oldest members of the group to finish watching their soccer game on television.
“No.” Minseok had no sunny alternative to the life he was currently leading. He honestly didn’t wish it was different.
“You are the only good some days, you know that?”
“Stop teasing me.” Minseok squeezed Luhan’s hand.
“At least you didn’t tell me to stop lying.” Luhan cocked his head to the side, staring at Minseok a second longer than he probably should have.
“Shut up Luhan.”
“Aye aye captain.”
***
It was the first time – that they kissed, properly kissed. It was also the first time Minseok realized how terrified Luhan was of flying. Two memorable events claiming a nine hour flight. It was a longest flight they had been on since debuting – they had flown into Korea, rendezvoused with Exo-K (with a lot of “get a room” and “seriously stop it” directed at a newly reunited Sehun and Tao) and were now on a trans-pacific flight to Los Angeles, California.
Three hours into the long flight Luhan started to squirm in his seat. He was sitting next to Minseok, falling asleep as soon as they took off. Later Minseok learned it was because he had taken sleeping pills.
“How long until we land?”
Minseok took his earbuds out, only barely hearing Luhan over the movie he was watching on his computer. “What?”
The plane jilted ever so, hitting a small patch of turbulence.
“We are going to die!” Luhan screamed out, gaining the attention of everyone around him.
“Shut up, hyung.” Baekhyun groaned, angry Luhan had woken him up from his nap.
“I better not die with all of you.” Kyungsoo said dryly, “Not before I have been to Disneyland anyway.”
The plane steadied out, “We are going to be okay.” Minseok wasn’t sure how to calm Luhan down. He didn’t have long to formulate a plan, Luhan motioned for him to move, whispering “Bathroom”.
Minseok stood up and let Luhan pass, watching as he staggered towards the bathroom at the back of the plane.
“Go check on him.” Ahreum whispered “He is really afraid of heights. If he starts to panic give him this.” She handed Minseok a pill bottle. He turned it over, reading the label. He had never heard of the medication before, Ahreum noticed his confusion “Anti-anxiety medication.” She explained.
The bathroom door was locked when Minseok got there. Minseok knocked lightly “It’s me. Are you okay? Do you need medicine?”
The bathroom door suddenly slid open, Luhan pulling Minseok into the tiny space and shutting the door.
“Yah! What are you doing?!” Minseok watched as Luhan clicked the lever, locking the door.
“Shhhh…I don’t want the other guys to know I am scared.” Luhan put his finger to his lips. There was not much space in the airplane bathroom, they were standing face to face with only a few inches between them. Minseok’s back rested on the small sink, feeling mildly uncomfortable.
“You should have thought about that before you screamed that we were all going to die.” Minseok rolled his eyes and looked towards the door, not daring to look Luhan in the eyes. Not now, not when they were so close.
“Baozi, I am a loser.” Luhan moved closer, “Do you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you Luhan.” Minseok sighed, still keeping his head turned “Everyone is afraid of something. It’s normal.”
“What are you afraid of?” Luhan perked up.
Minseok couldn’t answer that question, not honestly. He was afraid of everything disorderly, he was afraid of failure, and more than anything he was afraid of the way Luhan made him feel, the way he imagined years of feeling like this, years of Luhan next to him. Years of waiting, wanting, never having. Luhan finding a nice woman, getting married while Minseok held onto something that could never be.
“Snakes. I am afraid of snakes. ”Minseok answered calmly, willing away the depressing truth.
The plane hit another patch of turbulent air, rocking back and forth. Minseok turned to look at Luhan out of instinct, trying to brace himself against the sink as the younger man lurched forward with the force. Luhan reached out and grabbed onto Minseok’s shoulders, trying to hold himself steady. The end effect was a complete and total lack of space between them. Before Minseok could panic at the contact, Luhan was moving- speaking - the plane still shaking.
“Sorry, I can’t die without doing it once” He moved forward, capturing Minseok’s mouth in his own.
Minseok was shocked, not expecting it. He froze, uncertain of how to respond, acutely aware of Luhan’s mouth on his own. A thousand fantasies, things he thought about in the shower as he jacked off– things he shouldn’t have thought about in the shower – burst forth as his mind raced. Then Luhan moved his hands to rest on the back of Minseok’s neck and he was a goner.
He opened his lips, Luhan’s intensity begging for it. He felt Luhan’s tongue enter his mouth, licking, caressing. Minseok moaned, finding his hands moving around Luhan’s waist by necessity. He turned his head, craning backwards to allow Luhan to push forward, to take more, to claim.
Luhan was the first to break the kiss, but only for a second to catch his breath. He didn’t say anything, try to explain, try to ask if it was okay. Minseok pushed back this time, Luhan dipping his head only slightly so the shorter man could deepen the kiss.
Minseok felt like he was on fire. Heat coursed through him as he felt Luhan’s lips on his own, felt Luhan moan into the kiss, push forward, eager for more. It was a burn, a terrible burn that made him want more.
And then the turbulence stopped, the plane regaining its calm.
Luhan broke away, turning his head, his breathing ragged. Minseok stared at him, wanting more, wanting to continue, and knowing they wouldn’t.
“We should go back to our seats Baozi.” Luhan whispered, nudging Minseok to move off of him.
“Fuck Luhan...” Minseok ran his hand through his hair frustrated “Are we not going to talk ab-“
“Is everything okay in there?” A knock came on the door, the voice of a chipper flight attendant breaking up the tension.
“Everything is fine! Great, one hundred percent great!” Luhan called back. They waited another minute before they left, returning to their seats in silence. Luhan stayed calm the rest of the flight, while Minseok brooded. He knew Luhan would never mention what had happened in the bathroom again, he was like that. And it pissed Minseok off.
***
They didn’t sit together on the plane ride back to Seoul. They didn’t share a hotel room in Los Angeles either, Minseok and Jongdae insisting that they should be roommates. They were cordial during their time backstage, their trip to Disneyland, and their few hours of downtime. It was hard to see the new rift between them, not at first anyway. But once they took the connecting flight to Beijing, everyone who even remotely was around the two of them could tell they were spitting fire over something.
The dorms had been cleaned top to bottom while they were away, Minseok was disappointed he had nothing to organize when they returned. He put the contents of his suitcase away carefully and then found himself itching for something to do.
“Ge…I miss Hun-ah.” Tao whined. Minseok had expected to hear at least a few days of Sehun woes now that Tao had spent some time with his boyfriend. He wasn’t disappointed. Being Tao’s roommate was for the most part enjoyable. The younger man didn’t make too big of a mess, he didn’t snore, and he was mindful of Minseok’s space. His only downside was his fragile emotions, which translated into him crying now and then as Minseok tried to fall asleep, screaming over things that were inconsequential, and generally being unpredictable with his moods.
“I know. But it will be okay. Didn’t the manager hyung say we would be moving to Korea for a while in the fall? Isn’t that good news?” Minseok cracked his knuckles. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, Tao reclining on his own small bed, his feet sticking awkwardly off the end.
“But that is sooooo far away.” Tao groaned, before asking quietly “Hyung, have you ever loved someone? Or really liked someone – so much it hurts?”
“Yeah.”
“Really? What were they like?” Tao was distracted by Minseok’s answer. Minseok decided that was the only reason he decided to be honest with Tao, at least partially honest. Or maybe he just needed someone to talk to.
“He was…”
“You like guys?!” Tao was surprised. Minseok had never told the group that, at least not that Tao remembered.
“Yeah. Well “Minseok cleared his throat “He is cute. Adorable but really manly. He laughs a lot and he…um…likes to act like a stupid asshole.”
Tao had flipped over on his stomach, his head resting in his hands. Minseok thought he looked a bit like an overeager school girl, hearing some juicy gossip. “Why do you like him?” Tao asked, waiting for the answer with baited breath.
Minseok wanted to answer that he didn’t like him. He decided that wasn’t going to appease Tao so he kept it vague “He is a nice guy, when he wants to be...”
“Really? Well then wouldn’t you like every nice guy?”
“He is a nice guy who makes my heart beat faster, there. Is that enough?” Minseok threw a pillow at Tao, “Now hyung needs to take a nap.”
“Okay hyung. Thanks for trusting me with your secret.” Tao seemed to be thrilled at the fact he now knew something about Minseok no one else did.
Tao’s joy made Minseok smile, appreciating how excited Tao could get at times. “No problem. You are a good kid, Tao. Sehun is lucky to have you.”
***
The worst kind of torture. That was Luhan’s arm around his waist, smiling. It was Luhan urging him to make a heart sign with him, calling him Baozi on national television with a grin on his face. It was Luhan’s hand always finding his own, his smile always directed his way. It was Luhan telling the world his free time was spent shopping and playing soccer with Baozi. It was Luhan. Luhan was torture.
Minseok came to view it as some sort of weird release, the flood gates opening. Ignore each other, avoid each other, but let it burst forth when the cameras were trained their way. It didn’t escape the others notice, of course, but they both gave noncommittal answers when questioned on why they had drifted apart. They worked well together, so no one pressed the matter even if their icy offstage relationship was clear.
The late spring turned into summer. Their schedules were packed with variety show appearances and more interviews. Minseok felt horrible after each television appearance, regretting his language difficulties. He often stumbled or relied solely on a translator, Luhan always quick to lean over and circumvent the later from telling Minseok what was being said.
“It is funny he translates an hour worth of a show for you but you guys don’t talk at all off stage.” Kris remarked one day. He was with Minseok, lifting weights at the gym they frequented.
“We just grew apart, that’s all.” Minseok explained casually. They hadn’t spent a second alone in the last month.
***
“I don’t think he is going back to Korea.” Yixing had pulled Minseok into his room, shutting the door quietly. The other guys were watching a movie, Yixing had looked for just the right moment to pull Minseok aside for a much needed talk.
“What?!” Minseok squeaked, his tone higher as he tried to process what Yixing had just said.
“He is too afraid to fly again, he is depressed. Look“, Yixing seemed a bit embarrassed as he continued “I shouldn’t butt in with what is going on with you guys. But Ge, this is serious. I think he is going to quit.”
“Why?” Minseok demanded, it didn’t make sense. Luhan had never given him any indication that he wanted to leave the group. Not after they debuted any way.
“You know Kris isn’t in it anymore.” Yixing stated the obvious. In the last two weeks the other guys had overheard more than one argument between Kris and management over their return to Korea and halt in Chinese promotions, set to occur in a couple of months. “I think Luhan started thinking he is right – that leaving China isn’t a good thing. I don’t think he really believes it though, it is an excuse. He just wants to lock himself away, Ge.”
“I don’t get it. Why would Luhan be depressed?” Minseok was truly puzzled. Luhan seemed to avoid him more than he avoided Luhan, so it wasn’t like their fight had anything to do with it. For a few weeks after the events on the plane Minseok had read into it, thought Luhan liked him at least a bit. Those thoughts had faded, replaced with a resolution that Luhan didn’t like him, couldn’t like him, and had acted on a mixture of fear and confusion. It wasn’t because of their fight. No, it had to be the flying Minseok decided. Yixing corrected him.
“He is in love with you. Has been for the last couple years. And he is tearing himself apart from the inside out about it.”
“He….loves…me?”
“Yeah. And I know you two need to work this stuff out for yourselves, really, but hell – I can’t see Luhan Ge quit over this. Not when I am pretty sure you feel the same way.”
Minseok didn’t answer. He felt like time had stopped. So Luhan felt the same way? Luhan…liked him? Loved him?
“For years?” The memory of a kiss on the cheek, a confession to an ex-girlfriend, what it all meant – the hugs and night after night sleeping next to each other.
“If you don’t do something, I think he will leave. Just think about it, please.” Yixing grabbed Minseok into a hug, patting his friends back “I like both of you too much to see it end this way. I am not trying to put everything on your shoulders, Ge, but I don’t know what else to do.”
***
Minseok took a chance the next night, requesting that he share a hotel room with Luhan. They were set to appear on Happy Camp, a popular variety show filming in the Hunan province of China. It would be their second time on the program, their first appearance had been deemed a success by the company. When they travelled they always shared rooms and often made requests of who they wanted to room with; it wasn’t unusual in and of itself. Still, Ahreum had given Minseok a questioning look at his request but made the arrangements nonetheless. When they arrived at the hotel and received their assigned rooms, Luhan looked confused.
“Was there a mistake?” He asked, a fair question after it became the norm for Minseok to room with anyone but him. Ahreum told him no.
It was insanely awkward, those first few minutes.
Luhan turned on the television, flipping to a soccer game, while Minseok carefully unpacked, neither man bothering to speak the first word.
Minseok was intensely aware of Luhan lying on the double bed, his legs crossed as he watched the soccer game. He stole a glance now and then, looking away quickly lest Luhan notice him. He knew he had to say something, but it was hard to find the right words. Ever since his talk with Yixing he had tried to imagine a million ways to approach the subject, all of his imagined scenarios making him blush and pull his hair out in frustration. What if Yixing was wrong? What if Minseok made a fool out of himself?
“I was a soccer player once, you know.” Luhan didn’t look away from the television, “My parents said they didn’t want me to focus on the sport professionally. They thought I might get hurt.”
“Oh. Really?” Minseok wanted to cry at his own awkward response.
“Hm. Yeah.” Luhan suddenly turned the television off. Minseok wasn’t ready for this, he bit his bottom lip. “Baozi…” He definitely wasn’t ready for the term of endearment, spoken in a room where they were alone “I don’t think I should do this anymore.”
“Why? This is your dream.” Minseok was firm, tried to be firm in his response. He couldn’t just let this go, let Luhan go like this. Not if what Yixing said was true.
“It hurts.” Luhan’s eyes were tearing up, his voice chocked “It hurts here. Doesn’t it hurt for you?”
“Not if you are here it doesn’t.” Minseok kept a straight face, trying not to show how much it affected him to see Luhan like this.
“Ha. Look at me, tearing up like a baby.” Luhan wiped at his eyes “Sorry Baozi. I have just been down lately.”
“Luhan…do you like me?” Minseok moved over to sit beside the younger man, acting uncharacteristically bold.
“Of course Baozi. I wish we hadn’t fought again. I am so sorry.” Luhan sniffled.
Minseok stuttered, unsure, but needing to say it “No. I mean..I mean - I mean I wish that too. I …Luhan, I like you. I like you not as a friend. More than that…not to…I just… I like how you smile like a dork, I like how you smell, I like drinking coffee with you. I like seeing you in the morning, I like seeing you at night. I like you, all of you. I liked when you kissed me, but I didn’t like how you wanted to pretend it didn’t happen.” Minseok wasn’t going to let that hurt go, he wouldn’t let it go, feeling like Luhan ignored it all. It was counterproductive though, because in the end what mattered is that he wouldn’t let him go.
“You liked it when I kissed you?” Luhan looked surprised, the tears still falling. “You like me?”
Minseok let his actions speak, not trusting his clumsy words. He pulled Luhan towards him, kissing his lightly on the mouth “Yeah, I like you. Idiot.”
Luhan blushed, “You have to be shitting me. Really?”
“Yeah…..and I think you are the last person to know. Just like apparently I am the last person to know you like me…if you do that is.”
Luhan laughed, freely, with abandon, throwing his arms around Minseok “I have liked you for so long it hurts. God damn it. God damn it Baozi.” Tears streaming down his cheeks. Luhan giggled.
It was easy for Minseok to reach forward, pulling Luhan close. He stayed still as Luhan wept into his shoulder, hiding his head. Finally he spoke, his words muffled against Minseok’s t-shirt “Thank you Baozi.”
“Thank you Luhan.” Minseok smiled, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off of this shoulders.
Luhan raised his head, the tear stains and his puffy cheeks making him appear even younger than normal. Minseok was torn between wanting to pinch is cheeks and ravish him with kisses. He stayed still, not wanting to mess anything up.
“I want to know…are you…do you…”
Minseok reached out, running his fingers through Luhan’s messy hair, not bothering to guess what Luhan was asking him. Just enjoying the feeling of being with him, both of their cards on the table, both of their wants transparent.
Luhan sniffled, causing both of them to giggle.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this sad.” Minseok smiled, trying to lighten the mood “Aren’t we supposed to be naming our future children right now?”
“Baozi…” Luhan said sadly, slowly “You know I have problems.”
“What problems? We all have problems.” Minseok wasn’t going to talk about it right now, talk about the way they acted, the way the coped with their lives. He didn’t want to. He just wanted them to be together, to be happy, and to cherish the moment. He realized he no longer cared if Luhan wanted to claim his parents were astronauts or that he used to be a ninja. No, he didn’t care about any of that. Luhan was more than a story, more than a lie. Luhan was…his, and he wanted to be with him forever.
Luhan didn’t talk about problems again, not that night any way. He held onto what he had wanted for so long, dragging Minseok back to lie on the bed next to him. He held the older man tightly to him, not willing to believe that the feelings were mutual. They didn’t kiss, or speak, or make promises that could not be kept. They held onto each other, keenly aware that they finally had something they had been wanting for so long something neither man thought would ever become reality. They had each other, what came next was unknown.
***
Fifteen Years Later
“You are so full of it!”
Hye Jin grinned, a toothy grin that was a bit lopsided. She had a tendency to look a bit mischievous, she had a tendency to act that way as well. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for her parents to receive a call from the principal reporting her latest misdeed.
“I am not full of it! You are just stupid.” She stuck her tongue out at her classmate, a tall boy who liked to tease her.
“So you are saying your parents used to be celebrities? You are such a liar.” He crossed his arms and stared down at the little girl. He wasn’t much taller than her, but he was tall enough for his age to look imposing to his classmates.
“Whatever.” Hye Jin flipped her long black hair, rolling her eyes.
“Then why don’t they come here, huh, if they are such big shots? Or are they scared of being seen with their ugly, lying little girl?”
Hye Jin’s fist was a second away from colliding with the boys jaw when a familiar voice shouted from across the school yard. “So help me Hye Jin if you punch another person!”
The boy froze, looking towards the sound of the voice. School had just been dismissed, kids were milling about waiting for the bus or their parents to pick them up. The boy watched as more than a few mothers suddenly dragged their kids across the playground towards the new-comer.
“Papa!” Hye Jin forgot her anger and skipped towards where the group of parents were gathering. The boy watched as the subject of his torment managed to push through the crowd and leap into the arms of a man.
“Oh my god…is that…Xiumin and Luhan?! From Exo!” Oohs and aahs were heard all around as middle aged Mothers reverted to teenage girls. It wasn’t a usual site at the school - two celebrities walking amongst the schoolyard.
It had been thirteen years since Luhan had quit Exo, filed a lawsuit and walked away from the group. Minseok had stayed with him through it, understanding that Luhan needed something life in Exo couldn’t provide, something only Luhan could find on his own. He needed to understand what he could do, what his parents opinions actually meant to him, and how Luhan wanted Luhan’s life to go - not shaping himself to meet everyone else's expectations. His health had taken a downturn, a byproduct of his acrophobia and long working hours. Luhan couldn’t do it anymore, and Minseok knew it.
They had made it work somehow. They argued over skype, broke up for a few months one time, but got back together. When Minseok was in Beijing they met secretly, for years it was a routine set of phone conversations, holiday trips, beautiful reunions, and sad goodbyes. But they held onto each other, because there was an understanding between them that was more than a hasty argument or a long physical separation could tear asunder.
It had been seven years since Minseok had let his contract with SM expire, deciding not to renew. He had served his mandatory military service, complete with weekly letters from Luhan. Minseok had secretly thanked the heavens the man hadn’t pitched a tent at the army base as he had once threatened. Once his service was up his contract had expired. It was an easy decision to pack up his things and move to Beijing, where Luhan waited for him.
It had six years since the tabloids had posted the grainy photographs, headlines blaring “Luhan and Kim Minseok - More than just friends?” It had been a scandal at the time, those images of the two kissing, holding hands, dating. They had admitted to it, born the brunt of the public’s homophobia. It was okay, they told each other, because they didn’t want to be celebrities anymore. That was past them. They opened a coffee house chain in Beijing and invested in property, Luhan proving himself to have excellent business acumen. And five years ago they had adopted a little girl, with wide eyes and a temper that Luhan said could only rival Minseok’s. They became a family.
Hye Jin looked proud, smug even, as she was picked up by a handsome middle aged man. He kissed her on the cheek. “What did Papa tell you about hitting boys?”
“I shouldn’t do it.” Hye Jin pouted “But he called me a liar!”
“Did he?” Another man reached over and ruffled Hye Jin’s hair playfully “What a shock.”
“Shut it Baozi.” The man holding Hye Jin rolled his eyes “How is our little girl today, besides ready to fight?”
“Good papa. Can we go now?” The little girl wrapped her arms around the man’s neck, snuggling her face into his shirt. The man laughed, patting her head before setting her down.
Requests for autographs were denied, politely turned down, as the two men each took one of Hye Jin’s hands and started the walk towards their waiting car.
“Let’s go home.” Hye Jin smiled brightly “I want to watch music videos.”
“Seriously where does she get that from?” The shorter man rolled his eyes.
“Dad! Papa! The music program will be on soon. Let’s go!”
The happy little family left the schoolyard behind, dropping more than one jaw as they passed by. Little liar indeed.
End.
It was a conversation late at night.
“Do you wish your life was different?” Luhan asked, his hand finding Minseok’s as they sat on the couch in the dorm living room. Everyone else had gone to bed, leaving the two oldest members of the group to finish watching their soccer game on television.
“No.” Minseok had no sunny alternative to the life he was currently leading. He honestly didn’t wish it was different.
“You are the only good some days, you know that?”
“Stop teasing me.” Minseok squeezed Luhan’s hand.
“At least you didn’t tell me to stop lying.” Luhan cocked his head to the side, staring at Minseok a second longer than he probably should have.
“Shut up Luhan.”
“Aye aye captain.”
***
It was the first time – that they kissed, properly kissed. It was also the first time Minseok realized how terrified Luhan was of flying. Two memorable events claiming a nine hour flight. It was a longest flight they had been on since debuting – they had flown into Korea, rendezvoused with Exo-K (with a lot of “get a room” and “seriously stop it” directed at a newly reunited Sehun and Tao) and were now on a trans-pacific flight to Los Angeles, California.
Three hours into the long flight Luhan started to squirm in his seat. He was sitting next to Minseok, falling asleep as soon as they took off. Later Minseok learned it was because he had taken sleeping pills.
“How long until we land?”
Minseok took his earbuds out, only barely hearing Luhan over the movie he was watching on his computer. “What?”
The plane jilted ever so, hitting a small patch of turbulence.
“We are going to die!” Luhan screamed out, gaining the attention of everyone around him.
“Shut up, hyung.” Baekhyun groaned, angry Luhan had woken him up from his nap.
“I better not die with all of you.” Kyungsoo said dryly, “Not before I have been to Disneyland anyway.”
The plane steadied out, “We are going to be okay.” Minseok wasn’t sure how to calm Luhan down. He didn’t have long to formulate a plan, Luhan motioned for him to move, whispering “Bathroom”.
Minseok stood up and let Luhan pass, watching as he staggered towards the bathroom at the back of the plane.
“Go check on him.” Ahreum whispered “He is really afraid of heights. If he starts to panic give him this.” She handed Minseok a pill bottle. He turned it over, reading the label. He had never heard of the medication before, Ahreum noticed his confusion “Anti-anxiety medication.” She explained.
The bathroom door was locked when Minseok got there. Minseok knocked lightly “It’s me. Are you okay? Do you need medicine?”
The bathroom door suddenly slid open, Luhan pulling Minseok into the tiny space and shutting the door.
“Yah! What are you doing?!” Minseok watched as Luhan clicked the lever, locking the door.
“Shhhh…I don’t want the other guys to know I am scared.” Luhan put his finger to his lips. There was not much space in the airplane bathroom, they were standing face to face with only a few inches between them. Minseok’s back rested on the small sink, feeling mildly uncomfortable.
“You should have thought about that before you screamed that we were all going to die.” Minseok rolled his eyes and looked towards the door, not daring to look Luhan in the eyes. Not now, not when they were so close.
“Baozi, I am a loser.” Luhan moved closer, “Do you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you Luhan.” Minseok sighed, still keeping his head turned “Everyone is afraid of something. It’s normal.”
“What are you afraid of?” Luhan perked up.
Minseok couldn’t answer that question, not honestly. He was afraid of everything disorderly, he was afraid of failure, and more than anything he was afraid of the way Luhan made him feel, the way he imagined years of feeling like this, years of Luhan next to him. Years of waiting, wanting, never having. Luhan finding a nice woman, getting married while Minseok held onto something that could never be.
“Snakes. I am afraid of snakes. ”Minseok answered calmly, willing away the depressing truth.
The plane hit another patch of turbulent air, rocking back and forth. Minseok turned to look at Luhan out of instinct, trying to brace himself against the sink as the younger man lurched forward with the force. Luhan reached out and grabbed onto Minseok’s shoulders, trying to hold himself steady. The end effect was a complete and total lack of space between them. Before Minseok could panic at the contact, Luhan was moving- speaking - the plane still shaking.
“Sorry, I can’t die without doing it once” He moved forward, capturing Minseok’s mouth in his own.
Minseok was shocked, not expecting it. He froze, uncertain of how to respond, acutely aware of Luhan’s mouth on his own. A thousand fantasies, things he thought about in the shower as he jacked off– things he shouldn’t have thought about in the shower – burst forth as his mind raced. Then Luhan moved his hands to rest on the back of Minseok’s neck and he was a goner.
He opened his lips, Luhan’s intensity begging for it. He felt Luhan’s tongue enter his mouth, licking, caressing. Minseok moaned, finding his hands moving around Luhan’s waist by necessity. He turned his head, craning backwards to allow Luhan to push forward, to take more, to claim.
Luhan was the first to break the kiss, but only for a second to catch his breath. He didn’t say anything, try to explain, try to ask if it was okay. Minseok pushed back this time, Luhan dipping his head only slightly so the shorter man could deepen the kiss.
Minseok felt like he was on fire. Heat coursed through him as he felt Luhan’s lips on his own, felt Luhan moan into the kiss, push forward, eager for more. It was a burn, a terrible burn that made him want more.
And then the turbulence stopped, the plane regaining its calm.
Luhan broke away, turning his head, his breathing ragged. Minseok stared at him, wanting more, wanting to continue, and knowing they wouldn’t.
“We should go back to our seats Baozi.” Luhan whispered, nudging Minseok to move off of him.
“Fuck Luhan...” Minseok ran his hand through his hair frustrated “Are we not going to talk ab-“
“Is everything okay in there?” A knock came on the door, the voice of a chipper flight attendant breaking up the tension.
“Everything is fine! Great, one hundred percent great!” Luhan called back. They waited another minute before they left, returning to their seats in silence. Luhan stayed calm the rest of the flight, while Minseok brooded. He knew Luhan would never mention what had happened in the bathroom again, he was like that. And it pissed Minseok off.
***
They didn’t sit together on the plane ride back to Seoul. They didn’t share a hotel room in Los Angeles either, Minseok and Jongdae insisting that they should be roommates. They were cordial during their time backstage, their trip to Disneyland, and their few hours of downtime. It was hard to see the new rift between them, not at first anyway. But once they took the connecting flight to Beijing, everyone who even remotely was around the two of them could tell they were spitting fire over something.
The dorms had been cleaned top to bottom while they were away, Minseok was disappointed he had nothing to organize when they returned. He put the contents of his suitcase away carefully and then found himself itching for something to do.
“Ge…I miss Hun-ah.” Tao whined. Minseok had expected to hear at least a few days of Sehun woes now that Tao had spent some time with his boyfriend. He wasn’t disappointed. Being Tao’s roommate was for the most part enjoyable. The younger man didn’t make too big of a mess, he didn’t snore, and he was mindful of Minseok’s space. His only downside was his fragile emotions, which translated into him crying now and then as Minseok tried to fall asleep, screaming over things that were inconsequential, and generally being unpredictable with his moods.
“I know. But it will be okay. Didn’t the manager hyung say we would be moving to Korea for a while in the fall? Isn’t that good news?” Minseok cracked his knuckles. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, Tao reclining on his own small bed, his feet sticking awkwardly off the end.
“But that is sooooo far away.” Tao groaned, before asking quietly “Hyung, have you ever loved someone? Or really liked someone – so much it hurts?”
“Yeah.”
“Really? What were they like?” Tao was distracted by Minseok’s answer. Minseok decided that was the only reason he decided to be honest with Tao, at least partially honest. Or maybe he just needed someone to talk to.
“He was…”
“You like guys?!” Tao was surprised. Minseok had never told the group that, at least not that Tao remembered.
“Yeah. Well “Minseok cleared his throat “He is cute. Adorable but really manly. He laughs a lot and he…um…likes to act like a stupid asshole.”
Tao had flipped over on his stomach, his head resting in his hands. Minseok thought he looked a bit like an overeager school girl, hearing some juicy gossip. “Why do you like him?” Tao asked, waiting for the answer with baited breath.
Minseok wanted to answer that he didn’t like him. He decided that wasn’t going to appease Tao so he kept it vague “He is a nice guy, when he wants to be...”
“Really? Well then wouldn’t you like every nice guy?”
“He is a nice guy who makes my heart beat faster, there. Is that enough?” Minseok threw a pillow at Tao, “Now hyung needs to take a nap.”
“Okay hyung. Thanks for trusting me with your secret.” Tao seemed to be thrilled at the fact he now knew something about Minseok no one else did.
Tao’s joy made Minseok smile, appreciating how excited Tao could get at times. “No problem. You are a good kid, Tao. Sehun is lucky to have you.”
***
The worst kind of torture. That was Luhan’s arm around his waist, smiling. It was Luhan urging him to make a heart sign with him, calling him Baozi on national television with a grin on his face. It was Luhan’s hand always finding his own, his smile always directed his way. It was Luhan telling the world his free time was spent shopping and playing soccer with Baozi. It was Luhan. Luhan was torture.
Minseok came to view it as some sort of weird release, the flood gates opening. Ignore each other, avoid each other, but let it burst forth when the cameras were trained their way. It didn’t escape the others notice, of course, but they both gave noncommittal answers when questioned on why they had drifted apart. They worked well together, so no one pressed the matter even if their icy offstage relationship was clear.
The late spring turned into summer. Their schedules were packed with variety show appearances and more interviews. Minseok felt horrible after each television appearance, regretting his language difficulties. He often stumbled or relied solely on a translator, Luhan always quick to lean over and circumvent the later from telling Minseok what was being said.
“It is funny he translates an hour worth of a show for you but you guys don’t talk at all off stage.” Kris remarked one day. He was with Minseok, lifting weights at the gym they frequented.
“We just grew apart, that’s all.” Minseok explained casually. They hadn’t spent a second alone in the last month.
***
“I don’t think he is going back to Korea.” Yixing had pulled Minseok into his room, shutting the door quietly. The other guys were watching a movie, Yixing had looked for just the right moment to pull Minseok aside for a much needed talk.
“What?!” Minseok squeaked, his tone higher as he tried to process what Yixing had just said.
“He is too afraid to fly again, he is depressed. Look“, Yixing seemed a bit embarrassed as he continued “I shouldn’t butt in with what is going on with you guys. But Ge, this is serious. I think he is going to quit.”
“Why?” Minseok demanded, it didn’t make sense. Luhan had never given him any indication that he wanted to leave the group. Not after they debuted any way.
“You know Kris isn’t in it anymore.” Yixing stated the obvious. In the last two weeks the other guys had overheard more than one argument between Kris and management over their return to Korea and halt in Chinese promotions, set to occur in a couple of months. “I think Luhan started thinking he is right – that leaving China isn’t a good thing. I don’t think he really believes it though, it is an excuse. He just wants to lock himself away, Ge.”
“I don’t get it. Why would Luhan be depressed?” Minseok was truly puzzled. Luhan seemed to avoid him more than he avoided Luhan, so it wasn’t like their fight had anything to do with it. For a few weeks after the events on the plane Minseok had read into it, thought Luhan liked him at least a bit. Those thoughts had faded, replaced with a resolution that Luhan didn’t like him, couldn’t like him, and had acted on a mixture of fear and confusion. It wasn’t because of their fight. No, it had to be the flying Minseok decided. Yixing corrected him.
“He is in love with you. Has been for the last couple years. And he is tearing himself apart from the inside out about it.”
“He….loves…me?”
“Yeah. And I know you two need to work this stuff out for yourselves, really, but hell – I can’t see Luhan Ge quit over this. Not when I am pretty sure you feel the same way.”
Minseok didn’t answer. He felt like time had stopped. So Luhan felt the same way? Luhan…liked him? Loved him?
“For years?” The memory of a kiss on the cheek, a confession to an ex-girlfriend, what it all meant – the hugs and night after night sleeping next to each other.
“If you don’t do something, I think he will leave. Just think about it, please.” Yixing grabbed Minseok into a hug, patting his friends back “I like both of you too much to see it end this way. I am not trying to put everything on your shoulders, Ge, but I don’t know what else to do.”
***
Minseok took a chance the next night, requesting that he share a hotel room with Luhan. They were set to appear on Happy Camp, a popular variety show filming in the Hunan province of China. It would be their second time on the program, their first appearance had been deemed a success by the company. When they travelled they always shared rooms and often made requests of who they wanted to room with; it wasn’t unusual in and of itself. Still, Ahreum had given Minseok a questioning look at his request but made the arrangements nonetheless. When they arrived at the hotel and received their assigned rooms, Luhan looked confused.
“Was there a mistake?” He asked, a fair question after it became the norm for Minseok to room with anyone but him. Ahreum told him no.
It was insanely awkward, those first few minutes.
Luhan turned on the television, flipping to a soccer game, while Minseok carefully unpacked, neither man bothering to speak the first word.
Minseok was intensely aware of Luhan lying on the double bed, his legs crossed as he watched the soccer game. He stole a glance now and then, looking away quickly lest Luhan notice him. He knew he had to say something, but it was hard to find the right words. Ever since his talk with Yixing he had tried to imagine a million ways to approach the subject, all of his imagined scenarios making him blush and pull his hair out in frustration. What if Yixing was wrong? What if Minseok made a fool out of himself?
“I was a soccer player once, you know.” Luhan didn’t look away from the television, “My parents said they didn’t want me to focus on the sport professionally. They thought I might get hurt.”
“Oh. Really?” Minseok wanted to cry at his own awkward response.
“Hm. Yeah.” Luhan suddenly turned the television off. Minseok wasn’t ready for this, he bit his bottom lip. “Baozi…” He definitely wasn’t ready for the term of endearment, spoken in a room where they were alone “I don’t think I should do this anymore.”
“Why? This is your dream.” Minseok was firm, tried to be firm in his response. He couldn’t just let this go, let Luhan go like this. Not if what Yixing said was true.
“It hurts.” Luhan’s eyes were tearing up, his voice chocked “It hurts here. Doesn’t it hurt for you?”
“Not if you are here it doesn’t.” Minseok kept a straight face, trying not to show how much it affected him to see Luhan like this.
“Ha. Look at me, tearing up like a baby.” Luhan wiped at his eyes “Sorry Baozi. I have just been down lately.”
“Luhan…do you like me?” Minseok moved over to sit beside the younger man, acting uncharacteristically bold.
“Of course Baozi. I wish we hadn’t fought again. I am so sorry.” Luhan sniffled.
Minseok stuttered, unsure, but needing to say it “No. I mean..I mean - I mean I wish that too. I …Luhan, I like you. I like you not as a friend. More than that…not to…I just… I like how you smile like a dork, I like how you smell, I like drinking coffee with you. I like seeing you in the morning, I like seeing you at night. I like you, all of you. I liked when you kissed me, but I didn’t like how you wanted to pretend it didn’t happen.” Minseok wasn’t going to let that hurt go, he wouldn’t let it go, feeling like Luhan ignored it all. It was counterproductive though, because in the end what mattered is that he wouldn’t let him go.
“You liked it when I kissed you?” Luhan looked surprised, the tears still falling. “You like me?”
Minseok let his actions speak, not trusting his clumsy words. He pulled Luhan towards him, kissing his lightly on the mouth “Yeah, I like you. Idiot.”
Luhan blushed, “You have to be shitting me. Really?”
“Yeah…..and I think you are the last person to know. Just like apparently I am the last person to know you like me…if you do that is.”
Luhan laughed, freely, with abandon, throwing his arms around Minseok “I have liked you for so long it hurts. God damn it. God damn it Baozi.” Tears streaming down his cheeks. Luhan giggled.
It was easy for Minseok to reach forward, pulling Luhan close. He stayed still as Luhan wept into his shoulder, hiding his head. Finally he spoke, his words muffled against Minseok’s t-shirt “Thank you Baozi.”
“Thank you Luhan.” Minseok smiled, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off of this shoulders.
Luhan raised his head, the tear stains and his puffy cheeks making him appear even younger than normal. Minseok was torn between wanting to pinch is cheeks and ravish him with kisses. He stayed still, not wanting to mess anything up.
“I want to know…are you…do you…”
Minseok reached out, running his fingers through Luhan’s messy hair, not bothering to guess what Luhan was asking him. Just enjoying the feeling of being with him, both of their cards on the table, both of their wants transparent.
Luhan sniffled, causing both of them to giggle.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this sad.” Minseok smiled, trying to lighten the mood “Aren’t we supposed to be naming our future children right now?”
“Baozi…” Luhan said sadly, slowly “You know I have problems.”
“What problems? We all have problems.” Minseok wasn’t going to talk about it right now, talk about the way they acted, the way the coped with their lives. He didn’t want to. He just wanted them to be together, to be happy, and to cherish the moment. He realized he no longer cared if Luhan wanted to claim his parents were astronauts or that he used to be a ninja. No, he didn’t care about any of that. Luhan was more than a story, more than a lie. Luhan was…his, and he wanted to be with him forever.
Luhan didn’t talk about problems again, not that night any way. He held onto what he had wanted for so long, dragging Minseok back to lie on the bed next to him. He held the older man tightly to him, not willing to believe that the feelings were mutual. They didn’t kiss, or speak, or make promises that could not be kept. They held onto each other, keenly aware that they finally had something they had been wanting for so long something neither man thought would ever become reality. They had each other, what came next was unknown.
***
Fifteen Years Later
“You are so full of it!”
Hye Jin grinned, a toothy grin that was a bit lopsided. She had a tendency to look a bit mischievous, she had a tendency to act that way as well. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for her parents to receive a call from the principal reporting her latest misdeed.
“I am not full of it! You are just stupid.” She stuck her tongue out at her classmate, a tall boy who liked to tease her.
“So you are saying your parents used to be celebrities? You are such a liar.” He crossed his arms and stared down at the little girl. He wasn’t much taller than her, but he was tall enough for his age to look imposing to his classmates.
“Whatever.” Hye Jin flipped her long black hair, rolling her eyes.
“Then why don’t they come here, huh, if they are such big shots? Or are they scared of being seen with their ugly, lying little girl?”
Hye Jin’s fist was a second away from colliding with the boys jaw when a familiar voice shouted from across the school yard. “So help me Hye Jin if you punch another person!”
The boy froze, looking towards the sound of the voice. School had just been dismissed, kids were milling about waiting for the bus or their parents to pick them up. The boy watched as more than a few mothers suddenly dragged their kids across the playground towards the new-comer.
“Papa!” Hye Jin forgot her anger and skipped towards where the group of parents were gathering. The boy watched as the subject of his torment managed to push through the crowd and leap into the arms of a man.
“Oh my god…is that…Xiumin and Luhan?! From Exo!” Oohs and aahs were heard all around as middle aged Mothers reverted to teenage girls. It wasn’t a usual site at the school - two celebrities walking amongst the schoolyard.
It had been thirteen years since Luhan had quit Exo, filed a lawsuit and walked away from the group. Minseok had stayed with him through it, understanding that Luhan needed something life in Exo couldn’t provide, something only Luhan could find on his own. He needed to understand what he could do, what his parents opinions actually meant to him, and how Luhan wanted Luhan’s life to go - not shaping himself to meet everyone else's expectations. His health had taken a downturn, a byproduct of his acrophobia and long working hours. Luhan couldn’t do it anymore, and Minseok knew it.
They had made it work somehow. They argued over skype, broke up for a few months one time, but got back together. When Minseok was in Beijing they met secretly, for years it was a routine set of phone conversations, holiday trips, beautiful reunions, and sad goodbyes. But they held onto each other, because there was an understanding between them that was more than a hasty argument or a long physical separation could tear asunder.
It had been seven years since Minseok had let his contract with SM expire, deciding not to renew. He had served his mandatory military service, complete with weekly letters from Luhan. Minseok had secretly thanked the heavens the man hadn’t pitched a tent at the army base as he had once threatened. Once his service was up his contract had expired. It was an easy decision to pack up his things and move to Beijing, where Luhan waited for him.
It had six years since the tabloids had posted the grainy photographs, headlines blaring “Luhan and Kim Minseok - More than just friends?” It had been a scandal at the time, those images of the two kissing, holding hands, dating. They had admitted to it, born the brunt of the public’s homophobia. It was okay, they told each other, because they didn’t want to be celebrities anymore. That was past them. They opened a coffee house chain in Beijing and invested in property, Luhan proving himself to have excellent business acumen. And five years ago they had adopted a little girl, with wide eyes and a temper that Luhan said could only rival Minseok’s. They became a family.
Hye Jin looked proud, smug even, as she was picked up by a handsome middle aged man. He kissed her on the cheek. “What did Papa tell you about hitting boys?”
“I shouldn’t do it.” Hye Jin pouted “But he called me a liar!”
“Did he?” Another man reached over and ruffled Hye Jin’s hair playfully “What a shock.”
“Shut it Baozi.” The man holding Hye Jin rolled his eyes “How is our little girl today, besides ready to fight?”
“Good papa. Can we go now?” The little girl wrapped her arms around the man’s neck, snuggling her face into his shirt. The man laughed, patting her head before setting her down.
Requests for autographs were denied, politely turned down, as the two men each took one of Hye Jin’s hands and started the walk towards their waiting car.
“Let’s go home.” Hye Jin smiled brightly “I want to watch music videos.”
“Seriously where does she get that from?” The shorter man rolled his eyes.
“Dad! Papa! The music program will be on soon. Let’s go!”
The happy little family left the schoolyard behind, dropping more than one jaw as they passed by. Little liar indeed.
End.