Lie to Me (1/4)

[london9calling]

Title: Lie to Me
Pairing: Xiumin / Luhan
Genre: Canon (Non-AU)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 27,271 words
Warnings:

Swearing, mentions of mental illness, mention of group members leaving.This is a non-AU fic and a lot of liberties were taken with this story. Please keep this in mind while reading. In no way was I attempting to 100% accurately reflect Exo's personalities/history as much as I wanted to tell an interesting and compelling story. Hopefully I did just that.

Summary: Luhan lies. Minseok wants to know why.

Note: Written for theluminations 2015

Minseok turned the pages of the journal, his fingers tracing the hastily written words, feeling nostalgia as he felt the leather cover of the small book. He had stopped writing in it years and years ago. Before he had even debuted, when it had become far too laborious to keep up recording the day’s events. Smiling, he focused on one passage. The last passage he had written.

I must only like him because I want to know why he lies. That is it. Isn’t it human nature to be curious?

***

“You fought a bear?” Sehun leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head he considered the possibility. Then he called bullshit “I don’t think that is true.”

“Of course it is true. Yah!” Luhan slapped at his knee playfully, shaking his head in exasperation “I mean, I didn’t FIGHT fight a bear, but I punched one once.” Luhan took a bite of the steaming sweet potato.

“Like a love tap?” Minseok asked, leaning forward so the skewered marshmallow was angled closer to the fire.

“Whatever.” Luhan rolled his eyes, relaxing back in his chair. “Fine – what is the coolest thing you have ever done?”

Chanyeol tried to choke down his laughter, it was a failed effort.

“What?” Luhan eyed the younger man suspiciously “What have you done?”

Chanyeol plastered on a serious face, pointing towards Minseok “Not me – him. Minseok hyung.”

Luhan jerked his attention towards Minseok, extremely curious. Since Luhan had entered SM Entertainment, a shy but eager young man, he had tended to gravitate towards a select few of his peers. Minseok was number one on Luhan’s “kind of obsessed, please be my friend” list. Not that Luhan would mention the fact, because that type of information was a closely guarded secret.

Minseok cleared his throat, trying not to laugh he launched into his story “Well, I once survived being shipwrecked. I was rescued by a fleet of Somalian pirates.”

“What?!” Luhan couldn’t help it, his accent becoming more pronounced as he became less controlled in his words.

Minseok nodded. “It was after my parents left for their studies.”

“What did they study?” Luhan was enthralled, leaning forward without considering his actions.

“They are both the foremost experts in their field.” Minseok pulled the marshmallow out of the fire, blowing on it to cool off the steaming sweet treat “They study Coelacanths. Do you know what that is?”

Luhan shook his head vigorously.

Minseok finished chewing the marshmallow, swallowing he continued “They are the most endangered species in the world.”

Luhan’s mouth made a perfect O. Then he regained his senses. “Do you know what my parents do?”

“Hyungs, I am going to bed.” Sehun leaned forward, his eyelids had been starting to droop for the last half an hour. Minseok had noticed. He had taken a special interest in watching over Sehun for the last year; he always took the subway home with the younger boy. He had pledged to be the best older brother he could be for the young man.

“Good night.” Minseok shooed Sehun off to bed “Get some sleep. You have homework in the morning.”

“Homework…argh” Sehun grumbled, heading for the tent he would share with fellow trainees Junmyeon and Kyungsoo.

Minseok sat back down in the plastic chair, watching Sehun lumber off to bed. Chanyeol was quiet, staring at the fire as he waited for Minseok and Luhan to continue their conversation.

Once Minseok was sitting back down Luhan continued “My parents developed tiny lights.”

“Whaaat?” Chanyeol raised his head, staring at Luhan with a mixture of annoyance and confusion “Tiny lights..?”

“Hm, the ones in those small Christmas Village sets that are so popular.” Luhan stared at the fire “It is sad, because they spent so much time developing tiny lights they ignored me.”

“On that note I am off to bed.” Chanyeol jerked up, no longer finding the conversation amusing.

Minseok and Luhan watched as the younger man stumbled towards his tent, tired from the long day.

The two young men left sitting around the campfire remained silent for a few minutes. To be honest, neither of them were especially thrilled at their camping trip. They had little choice in going though. If they said no it could have an effect on their future careers.

SM Entertainment, the agency they belonged to, the agency where they trained as aspiring singers, had sent their pre-debut team on a teamwork building overnight trip. The pre-debut team was the top of the top in the trainee world, with a light at the end of the tunnel as long as they didn’t completely mess up. It was something trainees worked at for years to be a part of. Minseok had been training for two years, Luhan for six months.

Minseok would be foolish if he did not admit to himself that he felt some jealousy towards Luhan. In only six months Luhan accomplished what Minseok had worked two years for. They were the same age – yet Luhan was attending a prestigious university as an exchange student while Minseok had forsaken college for training. And yet he was no further than Luhan despite his educational sacrifice. It frustrated him sometimes, but it wasn’t new. Frustration – it was a code for him to live by as he trained. A code for him to do better.

It was easy to understand why SM had cast Luhan. He had…the look. Innocent yet sexual – when he wanted to be. He would steal young hearts but draw in the Noona fans too. He could be fierce or he could be pliant and innocent. He would – could – fit any concept they pushed at him.

“We are same aged friends.” Luhan mused nonsensically, still staring at the fire. The firewood crackled as it burned, sending up embers and smoke in a trail towards the night sky. The night sky was clear, Luhan thought it was a refreshing break from the hazy night sky in Seoul. The sky in Seoul was a lot like the sky in his home town of Beijing, maybe a little clearer, but still muddied by the metropolis that dictated the clarity of the heavens. It felt like home…kind of.

“We should go to bed.” Minseok stretched his arms out, hearing his back crack as he contorted to the left and then the right “We are same aged, which means we are the oldest. We need rest.”

Luhan smiled. Minseok watched the corners of Luhan’s lips move upwards. He swore he froze for a full minute, but it was a split second. It was always like this. A smile, Minseok swallowing hard as he considered why that smile meant anything. Why did the strange Chinese trainee and his smiles make Minseok feel so…different? Apprehensive perhaps.

“Let’s go to bed Baozi.” Luhan stood up, reaching his hand out.

Minseok stood, grasping Luhan’s hand in his own. It was still weird, but edging towards comfortable. It was only yesterday when they held hands for the first time. Minseok was teasing Luhan about his latest story. And then Luhan reached out and Minseok moved. It made no sense at the time. It still didn’t.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me baozi.” Minseok scolded Luhan playfully as they walked towards their tent.

“I like it.” Luhan mused “Have I ever told you about my time working as a baozi maker?”

“No.” Minseok smiled. It would be another lie. It was always a lie when Luhan opened his mouth – or almost always. At least when it was like this, social – a place and time where social acceptance was front and center. A time when work was done, practice was done, when the only thing left to do were talk and build relationships. That is when Luhan lied the most.

***

Luhan was telling the truth when he met Minseok. He had to have been – because no one would make a first impression like that on purpose.

Luhan had been led into the training room alongside a few other new trainees – a short boy with big eyes that scowled at the room, a Japanese trainee who clearly wore his ego on his sleeve, and a boy from one of the provinces. Luhan, though, stood out. His brown hair was clearly the effort of a home dye job, still it was clear he took care of his appearance, trying to perfect the look of a fashionable pretty boy.

Luhan wore a pink t-shirt, black baggy pants, his hair styled with care – framing his round and youthful face. He wore earrings and a few chrome colored rings, which Minseok noticed were picked out to match the pattern on his t-shirt.

“Ming –ssok?” Luhan stuttered when he was introduced.

“MinSEOK.” Minseok enunciated, trying to stress the syllables.

“You are cute.” Luhan said a little too loudly, a little too honestly. He clapped his hand over his mouth as soon as he said it, quickly realizing that this was not the best thing to say to someone who he had just met and who was a senior trainee.

“Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!” The other trainees started chanting. Luhan turned bright red, Minseok rolled his eyes and tried to play it cool.

“I didn’t mean cute as in kiss him cute!” Luhan protested, but his explanation only made the boys chant louder.

“Quit it. Back to work.” The manager scolded. He was already having a terrible day, having to show the newbies around had only distracted him from the work he could have been doing. The boys shut up, the trainees left on their tour, and Minseok had another awkward introduction story to commit to memory.

Luhan was honest then, but it became clear over the coming weeks that he wasn’t always trustworthy when it came to his words. When they were practicing, Luhan was quiet, shy even. But after practice, when everyone milled about the training room, Luhan tried to impress.

“He is so full of it.” Chanyeol complained to Minseok one day “It is obvious he is lying most of the time. Who makes so much stuff up?”

“He is probably just nervous.” Minseok had stood up for Luhan, without understanding why, exactly. Luhan was his competition after all, all of them were “Give him time. We aren’t the easiest people to get to know.”

Chanyeol had looked insulted, but Minseok knew the younger man well enough to realize his injured pride was an act. Chanyeol was one of the most carefree trainees among the pre-debut team. In fact some thought he was too carefree. Junmyeon, the trainee that had been at it the longest, often scolded Chanyeol for not practicing enough.

“We should try to one up him, tell our own outrageous stories. See what he does.” Chanyeol mused one afternoon, shortly before they left on their camping trip.

“That is kind of mean.” Minseok had discounted the idea immediately.

“Come on hyung, it will be fun.” Sehun, the youngest on the pre-debut team, joined in on the conversation “It won’t hurt anything. He would probably not even realize we were doing it.”

Minseok had made a mistake when he agreed to go along with the plan during their camping trip. He realized that after he had opened his mouth and told such an outrageous lie about his parents. He had realized it after he was lying in his tent, Luhan at his side, trying to fall asleep. Making fun of the lies, joining in on the lies, was funny for a second- but worrisome in retrospect. Because Minseok couldn’t shake the desire to understand, to know, why Luhan lied so much to begin with. It was driving him crazy, wanting to know. Why?

***

Chanyeol drummed his fingers on the table impatiently. “How long do you think it has been since we ordered?”

“One hundred years.” Sehun murmured, not bothering to look up from his phone.

“It is pretty busy.” Kim Junmyeon stared at his watch “Still…”

It was a little past ten o’clock at night. The pre-debut team had practiced until a little after nine o’clock, before Junmyeon had offered to take them out for dinner. Junmyeon made the same offer at least once a month, so it wasn’t exactly a surprise. It was no secret among the trainees that Junmyeon’s parents were loaded.

The offer however, was not all about his financial ability to pay for his fellow trainees to eat. It had a lot to do with the fact that Junmyeon had trained the longest out of everyone at SM – everyone that had yet to quit, be cut, or debut that is. He was going on his fourth year of training, with one year spent nursing a leg injury. Paying for his fellow trainee’s dinner was about showing just that, he was their senior, he was their leader, the one that could offer them advice and take care of them through years of walking in their shoes.

Every now and then Junmyeon would mention that he was supposed to debut as a part of the group Super Junior- if they had kept the originally planned rotational concept. Every now and then he talked about how he was close to debuting with the group Shinee. The fact remained, however, that he hadn’t debuted. He was, for all intents and purposes, the grand old man of the trainees at SM- a fact that was respected by some and criticized by others. Minseok knew he had a chip on his shoulder because of some of the gossip around his failure to debut.

“Hyung, I am hungry.” Kim Jongin whined. As one of the younger trainees, many newbies often assumed Jongin was rather fresh in the SM trainee world himself. It was a common mistake, he had been training almost as long as Junmyeon. Tanned, with a messy mop of dark hair, Jongin excelled at all things dancing. Junmyeon liked to call him their “ballet prodigy turned hip hop wannabe”.

“Can we just sit and breathe, who cares how long it takes?” Do Kyungsoo sighed, his exhaustion evident as he slumped down in his seat.

Kyungsoo had started at SM Entertainment the same day as Luhan, he was the wide eyed newbie who was scowling at the same time Luhan had muttered his horrible introduction. The trainee team was rather reluctant to warm up to Kyungsoo at first because all he seemed to do was throw dirty looks and appear angry.

That all changed however once Kyungsoo shyly revealed he had poor eyesight and his expression was his way of compensating for it. After his confession Kyungsoo quickly made friends among the team. A short young man with wide eyes and a powerful and soulful voice, Kyungsoo quickly rose through the ranks of the trainees to land one of the coveted spots on the pre-debut team.

“I - for one - am starving.” Minseok rubbed his tummy. He had eaten at a food stall on his way to the SM building, but that had been seven hours ago. He was looking forward to the large order of food that always accompanied these monthly outings.

“Looks like the Chinese contingent is here.” Chanyeol nodded towards the door. The other trainees turned their attention to the three men walking through the door, three men who were clearly ignoring the adoring stares of the young patrons. It made Minseok wonder what it would be like once they debuted, as they drew attention as trainees already.

The Chinese trainees at SM Entertainment tended to stick together- partially out of comfort and partially out of necessity. In the uber-competitive environment of SM Entertainment no one was safe. If you had a flaw, fellow trainees would exploit it for their own gain. Unfortunately, many saw a language barrier as a very real barrier to debuting, and many Chinese and Japanese trainees had quit after they were humiliated time and time again for their lack of knowledge of the Korean language.

Kris, whose Chinese name was something Minseok could not pronounce correctly (a painful lesson in humiliation), walked ahead of the other two men. A tall man with crushed dreams of a basketball career, Kris was able to withstand the brunt of the bullying due to his fluency in English – an envy to most of the trainees. He had been around as long as Jongin; in that time he had made some close friends.

Behind Kris trailed Zhang Yixing, one of the kindest people that Minseok had ever met. He did not seem to have a competitive streak and he did whatever he could to help his fellow trainees if they were struggling. He had a temper, but showed it rarely and only when he was extremely upset. He was close with Luhan, the two of them often pulling pranks on each other.

Next to Yixing walked Luhan. Minseok noticed he looked exhausted.

Junmyeon stood and waved them over to the table, the other boys scooting over in the semi-circular booth to accommodate the newcomers. Minseok moved over, Luhan sitting down next to him.

“Are you okay?” Minseok asked, slightly worried at how tired Luhan looked. While they had been practicing Luhan had made more mistakes than usual, managing to step on Sehun’s foot not once but three times in the course of the night.

“Yeah.” Luhan tried to smile, but it wasn’t very convincing.

As the rest of the group indulged in more whining about the noticeable lack of food on the table, Minseok stayed quiet. Every now and then he glanced over at Luhan.

“Mingssok, I am okay.” Luhan spat out, clearly annoyed.

“Sorry. I was just worried.” Minseok said quietly. He didn’t bother correcting Luhan’s pronunciation of his name. It still happened now and then – Luhan saying Minseok’s name incorrectly.

After a few awkward moments Luhan stood and excused himself, walking towards the bathroom.

“He said his girlfriend called him.” Kris explained loudly once Luhan was out of sight, gaining the attention of the entire table. “Seems she broke up with him.”

“Luhan?” Minseok asked dumbly. Clearly Kris was referring to Luhan so it was silly question.

“He is probably lying about it. Is his girlfriend Fan Bingbing?” Jongin giggled, Chanyeol giving him a high five for the joke.

“That isn’t very nice.” Junmyeon scolded the younger men.

“Yeah, no kidding. How do you think Fan Bingbing would feel about it?” Kris joked, earning some laughs and a cross table high five from Chanyeol. It was a well-accepted fact among all of the trainees, Chinese or Korean, that Luhan was not exactly the most honest young man in the world.

Minseok’s mind was racing. So Luhan had a girlfriend? Or was it a lie? If it was a lie, then what was the truth? Something was wrong…and why did Minseok care so much? Why did the news make his heart beat a little faster, his attention turn from his growling stomach to thoughts of Luhan and some girl?

Minseok stood up and stalked towards the restroom, ignoring the snarky comments that followed him.

Pushing open the door to the restroom, Minseok was greeted by darkness. Fumbling along the wall, his hand finally found the light switch. The lights snapped on, revealing an empty room. Minseok was sure that Luhan had come this way. Turning around, he walked back down the hall.

Where else could Luhan have gone? The only other places to go were the women’s restroom or out the restaurants side door. Guessing Luhan wouldn’t barge into the ladies’ room, Minseok went through the side door. He shivered as he stepped into the cool night air.

Minseok looked around. There were a few pedestrians walking down the sidewalk, one of them clearly intoxicated. There was a couple sitting on the bench at the bus stop half a block away. But no Luhan.

“I told you I can’t do that.”

Minseok turned around, moving towards the sound of the voice. It was Luhan, he was talking in hushed tones. Walking around the building, Minseok caught sight of him.

Luhan was leaning against the wall of the restaurant, his phone to his ear. Minseok jumped back, suddenly feeling guilty for having invaded Luhan’s private conversation. But then, for some reason, Minseok stayed. He didn’t want to leave – he wanted to hear what came next.

“Sorry.” Luhan’s voice cracked, Minseok wondered if he was crying.

A few seconds passed before Minseok heard Luhan’s footsteps nearing. Minseok turned, scurrying back through the side door before Luhan could catch him eavesdropping.

Minseok arrived back at the booth a minute before Luhan, he plopped down on the bench and tried to catch his breath, hoping to erase all guilt of eavesdropping. Chanyeol shot him a curious look, but quickly turned his attention back to teasing Kyungsoo. When Luhan came back, however, all eyes were on him. Specifically his swollen eyes.

“Are you okay?” Kris asked.

“Yeah.” Luhan took a sip of his water, “Hey, girls are a dime a dozen, right?”

“Not in my world.” Jongin pouted.

“Really?” Luhan perked up, his face taking on an expression that Minseok later learned meant one thing – he was lying “Once, at my high school, to raise funds for charity we had a dating auction. I had thirty bidders for a date with me in the first five minutes.”

“Really?” Sehun raised an eyebrow, half believing and half discounting Luhan’s words.

“Yep.” Luhan looked proud “The winning bid was thirty thousand Yuan.”

“Was it Fan Bingbing who won?” Jongin nudged Chanyeol, laughing at the in-joke.

“Ha! As if. But I did go to school with her cousin.” Luhan laughed “I even met her once.”

“I am sure you did, hyung. FOOD IS HERE!” Chanyeol leapt up as the waitress approached, awkwardly carrying the tray loaded with more food than she was accustomed to delivering.

Minseok ate heartily, but looked over at Luhan now and then. The man showed no sign of crying, no sign of distress, and his fatigue seemed to have disappeared completely. Luhan continued to be a mystery that Minseok could not solve.

***

“Dormitories!” Minseok knew his voice raised an octave when he was surprised, nervous, or excited. He was currently surprised and nervous, so the change in tone was a given.

“Will this be a problem, Minseok?” The Manager stared at the eldest trainee, clearly wondering if Minseok was about to make a scene.

Minseok knew it couldn’t be a problem, not if he wanted to debut.

SM Entertainment had offered dormitories to trainees for years – if they did not have a place to live in Seoul that is. The dorms of this kind were always rentals, something the trainees had to pay for. They were exorbitantly expensive given the fact trainees were not paid. It was no surprise very few took SM up on the offer. These were the type of dorms that Minseok had been offered in the past. This offer, however, was different. It meant something different.

Minseok had heard the manager’s words loud and clear:

“You will not be charged for your residency, however you need to sign a contract prior to moving in. The contract will confirm your intent and purpose to debut with SM Entertainment, exclude you from leaving without a penalty, and absolve SM Entertainment of all of the usual legal jargon.”

“It won’t be a problem, I was just surprised. Sorry.” Minseok grinned his crooked and gummy smile, looking around the room he saw the other eight members of the pre-debut team in similar states of surprise and excitement.

“So we are debuting soon?!” Chanyeol was practically jumping up and down with the news.

“Not so fast. You guys still have some work to do. But trust me, this is a big step.” The manager cautioned.

They moved in a week later, with a couple of day delay for Sehun and Jongin to arrive. The two younger boys were still in high school and their parents were wary of completely relinquishing their sons to a life outside of the family home.

The day everyone (minus Sehun and Jongin) arrived at the three bedroom dorm was memorable. Minseok mostly remembered it for the chaos of the place and the way it made him feel. He was a self-described clean freak, when he encountered messes he had a bit of a hard time breathing until they were put right. His behavior had earned him more than a few words from his parents, who were often on the receiving end of his strict cleanliness. He hated to see things out of order and would diligently right every object he saw.

Teasing of Minseok’s cleanliness habit had occurred - by his fellow trainees and his schoolmates. It was brushed off though, because wanting to see things neat and orderly was controllable, Minseok thought. Or maybe it wasn’t brushed off, when he considered it. But he didn’t want to consider it, he didn’t want to consider the fact that words still followed him from elementary and secondary school, questioning and mocking his need to put things in order.

Minseok retreated to the room that he had been assigned, pushing his two suitcases quickly. He wanted to be away from the piles of boxes, the kitchenware, and the stray cleaning supplies that were scattered all around. Because that would be a bad way to start life in the dorms – cleaning everything up and telling everyone to put their things in order.

Minseok took out his neatly folded piles of clothes, arranging them in the large white dresser that sat on the far end of the room. He wasn’t sure who his roommates would be, they only received their assigned room as they arrived. The room was small for three people, but it was bigger than Minseok’s bedroom back at his parents’ house. Bunk beds sat along the wall facing the door, a single bed was on the adjoining wall. Minseok had put his suitcases on the single bed, but honestly he wasn’t stuck on where he would sleep.

Minseok pushed the dresser drawer shut, the last pile of clothing he had packed carefully put away. He was suddenly lost, not knowing what to do, when his roommate arrived and saved him from his confusion.

“Roomie?!” Luhan smiled “Of course us old guys should room together!”

“Hi Luhan.” Minseok spread his arms out “Welcome to paradise.”

“Says the boy who was shipwrecked.” Luhan chuckled “Anything should be paradise compared to that.”

Minseok blushed, remembering his lie “Well, sure.” He cleared his throat “Which bed do you want?”

“Who do you think our other roommate is?” Luhan looked a bit mischievous as he asked, like he was planning an unfortunate fate for the third man to share the room.

“You do anything to me while I am asleep and I will kick your ass.” Kris strolled into the room, a large black duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

“I guess they did put the oldest guys together.” Minseok wasn’t exactly disappointed the room assignments had ended up like this. He got along well with Luhan and he had never had a problem with Kris.

“Which means you two get the bunk beds – I fly solo.” Kris dumped his duffle bag on the single bed, next to where Minseok’s empty suitcases sat.

“Fine by me. Baozi and I will be the object of jealousy for all bunk bed-less kids everywhere. I GET THE TOP BUNK!”

Minseok laughed as Luhan clambered up the ladder, flopping down on the bed. He had no doubt that life in the dorms would prove interesting, very interesting indeed.

***

Luhan pulled Minseok aside one night, right before they drifted off to sleep. It had been a month since they had moved into the dormitories. Ever since they had signed their pre-debut contract their training schedules had increased in intensity. It was no longer an option to skip training, show up whenever, or leave when you pleased. SM Entertainment was making it known – they had invested in the pre-debut team and they expected an investment in return. The result was nine sleepy boys retiring to their dorm every night, eager for a few hours of sleep. Minseok often felt guilty for Jongin and Sehun, who were balancing studies on top of their rigorous schedule.

“What is it Luhan?” Minseok sounded annoyed, he knew it. He was just so tired.

“Did you hear about the new kid? The martial arts guy?” Luhan whispered, looking around to make sure no one was listening. No one was, since Luhan and Minseok were the only two people still awake at this hour. They were standing in the living room, Luhan having stopped Minseok as he headed for their bedroom.

“I heard.” Minseok was not sure why a new kid was a reason to stay awake. In two and a half years as a trainee at SM Entertainment there had been a lot of new kids.

“I thought maybe I could be that guy.” Luhan looked dead serious “The martial arts guy of the group.”

Minseok, his mind hazy from fatigue, laughed out loud at the statement “How could you be a martial artist?”

“I trained for five years in four different martial arts.” Luhan answered proudly “They just have never asked me about it.”

Minseok tensed. Maybe it was because he was so exhausted – no, it was completely because he was so exhausted that he opened his mouth. “That is a lie, Luhan.”

Luhan’s expression didn’t change, his demeanor didn’t register any kind of emotion at Minseok’s accusation. Instead he perked up “You wouldn’t want to believe it, would you?”

Minseok squinted, raising his hand to rub his eyes. He was so tired. He shouldn’t have said that, yet it was somehow freeing on his end. Somehow freeing to finally vocalize the behavior he had stood up for, yet always known was beyond suspicious. “Luhan, why do you lie so much?”

Luhan laughed. But he didn’t address the question. He flat out ignored it, which annoyed Minseok. “Time for bed, baozi.”

Minseok watched Luhan stalk towards the bedroom, seemingly unaffected by his words.

The next morning Luhan did not mention what they had talked about. He didn’t mention it in the afternoon either. He never mentioned it, in fact. Even when a tall, lanky Chinese boy bowed down in front of the pre-debut team, introducing himself in clumsy Korean “Haung Zitao. It is nice to meet you.”

***

It was a natural progression. From fellow trainees to roommates to friends. Living together afforded Luhan and Minseok more time to talk – when they had time that is. Luhan had put his admission at Yonsei University on hold indefinitely as he continued training. Minseok’s life had become practice, so on his day off he often found himself lost and slightly bored. Still, six days a week they did nothing but train from morning until night, and they were always together.

Then Luhan found out Minseok liked coffee and soccer. The rest was a blur- an invitation after practice now and then turned into a set café date every Sunday – their one day a week they had off. A month had passed since the new kid, Tao, had joined and in that time Luhan and Minseok had become nearly inseparable. After practice they grabbed coffee if they were not too tired, in the morning they woke up before the others and ate breakfast together. Luhan always paid on their outings and Minseok stopped offering to pick up the bill. They fell into an easy routine.

When Luhan told his tall tales over coffee, Minseok took note. Like he could unravel a reason for his lies if he heard enough of them. After a while he found himself listening, not questioning, a shift in matters only highlighted when he started to obsess again. Why did Luhan lie?

When Minseok went on a cleaning and organizing spree, often after talking on the phone to his parents, Luhan sat on his bed and watched as the older man fluttered about the room, cleaning and organizing for hours. Minseok’s habit of obsessing over organization was an adorable personality trait in Luhan’s opinion – even if the other boys tended to be annoyed by it.

At night, when Kris was already asleep, snoring loudly, they talked. About the day, about the routine they were practicing or the song that was giving them the most trouble. Minseok talked a bit about what it was like when he first joined SM. Luhan talked about his college. They joked about when they would debut, what they would do on stage. They discussed soccer scores, music, and cars.

One night Luhan invited Minseok to sleep on the top bunk after Kris complained that their chatter kept him up. It was an invitation that made Minseok feel..a little nervous.

Minseok scurried up the ladder, maneuvering himself into the bed next to Luhan. It was a tight fit, the bed wasn’t very big, but it worked if they both laid on their sides.

Minseok tried to relax, but it was hard. Luhan was nearly pressed up against him, their faces only inches apart. Minseok didn’t want to consider, didn’t want to try to understand, why his heart was suddenly beating faster.

“What are you thinking about baozi?” Luhan asked. Minseok could smell his minty breath, smell his freshly shampooed hair. And it became harder to breathe.

“Nothing.” Minseok lied, “Just wondering what we are going to practice tomorrow.”

“Baozi.” Luhan smiled. Minseok felt like he wanted run away, because that smile did not make him feel any more at ease “Were you happy? Growing up, I mean?”

That question was enough to snap Minseok back to reality, steer his mind away from confusing thoughts of Luhan. “I…guess so.”

“Oh.” Luhan sighed “I hope you were.”

Minseok didn’t want to talk about growing up. He didn’t want to talk about his parents or his family or what it was like before.

“Can you tell me about it? About your childhood? I bet you were a cute kid.” Luhan smiled again, but this time Minseok didn’t feel any effect. He was too busy closing his mind up, shutting his willingness to share down.

“I don’t have much to say.” Minseok responded quietly “I’m tired. We should go to sleep.”

Minseok tried to sit up, to go back to his bed, but Luhan stopped him by putting his arm around his shoulders, and pulling him back down to the bed “Can you sleep here tonight? I mean, if that isn’t weird or anything…”

Minseok blinked. When he didn’t answer Luhan explained “It is just nice to have someone to sleep next to sometimes. Sorry if that is strange.”

“No, that’s okay. I can sleep here.” Minseok laid back down.

Luhan closed his eyes, “Good night Baozi.”

“Good night Lu.” Minseok shut his eyes, and tried to focus on his breathing. Tried to focus on not thinking about the past and not realizing where he was at the moment. It was a good thing he actually was so tired, because he drifted off to sleep within a few minutes, Luhan snoring lightly by his side.

***

A week later Minseok was stuck. It was impossible to have everything orderly in such a place, he knew it. But he didn’t want to admit it.

Everyone had gone to bed- other than Sehun and Jongin who had both returned to their respective homes that Saturday night for time with their family. Minseok suspected Jongin had actually skipped the home visit to go hang out with his friends, but he kept quiet about it. He was young, he should still have fun now and then, Minseok thought.

The cups didn’t fit neatly together in the cupboard and the dish towels seemed to disappear. Both situations nearly gave Minseok a heart attack as he tried to straighten the kitchen. Having a cleaning woman come in three times a week seemed to be a fruitless effort, Minseok thought, since the place was always a pig sty.

“Neat and clean, neat and clean.” Yixing joked, his words said without malicious intent.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Minseok smiled at the Chinese boy, only turning away from his cleaning for a second to give his greeting.

“Minseok hyung.” Yixing said quietly “I am worr-“

Minseok’s phone rang, the shrill cry of the default ringtone interrupting Yixing’s words. Minseok pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking the caller ID. It was his Mother.

“Sorry, I have to take this.”

Yixing nodded, leaving the room quietly as Minseok answered the phone.

“He has a phone call.” Yixing mouthed to Luhan, letting his friend know that his fact-finding mission had failed. Luhan nodded, but didn’t leave. In fact, he crept nearer the kitchen, standing just out of Minseok’s sight. It was wrong to listen, Luhan knew it, but it didn’t stop him.

“If that is what you want.” Minseok’s voice was quiet, maybe even a little sad Luhan thought.

“I can’t send anything. I don’t have it.”

“Hm. Goodbye Mom.”

Luhan waited. He heard Minseok open one of the cupboards, then a slam. Turning the corner, Luhan cautiously made himself known.

“Minseok?” He asked shyly.

Minseok was vigorously scrubbing down the counter top, not bothering to turn around. “Hey Luhan.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, it is just this place is messy. I just want to see it clean.” Minseok’s words were stilted, short.

Luhan stood motionless, watching as Minseok tried to scrub away dirt that could not be seen by anyone but himself. Luhan watched, trying to pretend like Minseok was just being Minseok, trying to pretend like the both of them were not hiding a pain they could not discuss with each other.

***

They were all tired. Yet they still went out.

Sunday, that was their day. That was the day they had off, the one day a week their practice schedule was blissfully empty.

“We are going to sleep all day tomorrow anyway, why not sleep off a hangover in the process?” Kris had suggested, clearly looking for some time away from the dorm life.

“Can we?” Luhan felt like going out might get them in trouble.

“It is our off day tomorrow, right?” Kris smirked, “Let’s go boys.”

That is how it began, Minseok remembered, though his memories were a bit hazy in retrospect. Several shots later and he was beginning to really think that Kris should become their lead singer. The noreabang was blaring, and the Soju bottles were being rapidly emptied.

“This was a good idea, coming out like this.” Junmyeon clapped his hands slowly, “Seriously though, us old guys should do this more often.”

Yixing nudged Junmyeon, gaining his attention. “Kris hyung is a mess.”

Junmyeon giggled as he watched a very drunk Kris attempt to belt out IU’s “Good Day”, complete with dance moves.

“Baozi, let’s get out of here.”

Minseok knew that Luhan had grabbed his arm, was leading him out of the noreabang, not bothering to explain they were leaving. He knew that much, but his world was becoming confusing with all of the alcohol he had drank.

“Where are we going?” Minseok asked, wondering if Luhan was as drunk as he was.

“Away from those drunk guys.” Luhan replied. Minseok suddenly felt extremely self-conscious that he was buzzing so hard, but then Luhan began hiccupping.

“Those drunk guys, huh?” Minseok teased, still letting Luhan lead him with a hand on his wrist.

Luhan hailed a taxi. Luhan gave the driver directions, which Minseok assumed led back to the dorm. He wasn’t really listening to what Luhan was saying though, he was busy staring out the window and trying not to see double. By the time the taxi driver started going the wrong way, Minseok sobered up.

“Where are we going?”

Luhan reached his hand over, unseen in the dark interior of the taxi cab. His hand felt along the seat until it was grasping onto Minseok’s hand lightly, testing the waters.

“Is it okay if we hang out for a couple more hours?”

Minseok swallowed. He could feel Luhan’s index finger slightly caress his knuckles, back and forth, teasing. “Sure. Yeah, that would be cool.”

Luhan moved swiftly, smoothly, capturing Minseok’s hand in his own. “Good, we should be there soon.”

There, Minseok learned, was a house a few blocks from Yonsei. A college party was in full swing, Luhan grasping Minseok’s wrist and leading him into the chaos.

Minseok tensed, felt uncomfortable. Why was Luhan dragging him here – a place that seemed to be an afterthought for Luhan. Luhan had talked about his time at Yonsei, but mostly about the academics and hardly ever about any friends he had made there. He had apparently brought Kris here one time, but Kris said they spent most of the time with Luhan nervously trying to explain what each building was used for and not catching up with anyone he knew.

“Why are we here?” Minseok asked, the loud music that was blaring drowning out any chance of Luhan hearing his question.

Luhan never let go of Minseok’s wrist, keeping him behind him as they maneuvered through the crowded rooms. Once they reached the kitchen, Luhan stopped.

“Is that Luhan? “ A man, who was clearly very intoxicated, stumbled up from where he sat at the kitchen table “Whatcha doin’ here you lying piece of shit.”

Minseok tensed. He doubted Luhan would be very effective in a fight, and it certainly seemed like they had just walked into a hostile environment.

“Luhan!” A girl, who Minseok noticed was very, very pretty, interrupted the drunk guy’s rambling “What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you…”

“I just wanted to let you know I am over you, I moved on, I found someone who I love.” Luhan announced confidently, Minseok noticing he slurred his words a bit. Apparently Luhan was drunker than Minseok had thought.

Minseok looked at the woman, she was wearing a tight shirt and a short skirt. She wore too much makeup. So this was his ex-girlfriend? Minseok suddenly wanted to leave. He was angry that Luhan had brought him here, angry that he was now standing in the middle of some sort of showdown Luhan was having with his ex. A showdown likely brought on by courage gained from booze.

The woman rolled her eyes. She was leaning against the kitchen counter, a full glass of wine in her hand. “That so? You found someone else to listen to all that shit you talk?”

Minseok tried to tug his hand out of Luhan’s hold, but he couldn’t, Luhan held on too tight.

“Like you should talk.” Luhan narrowed his eyes at the woman “After you slept with half the freshmen class.”

“Lu, let’s go.” Minseok tried a different approach, to drag Luhan out of there with him instead of running away by himself.

“No, Baozi. I want her to see this.” Luhan moved swiftly, surprising Minseok. He never had a chance to move away as Luhan turned, grabbing Minseok’s cheeks and pulling him into a kiss.

“Ha! I knew you were gay. Gross.” The woman put her wine glass down hard, the stem breaking on the countertop.

Luhan didn’t seem to hear her. He broke the kiss, turned around, and dragged a breathless Minseok out of the house behind him. Once they were in the cool night air, walking up the street away from the house, Minseok finally let loose.

“Why in the hell did you kiss me!?” He finally succeeded in yanking his wrist free of Luhan.

“Didn’t you like it?” Luhan asked- not bothering to look at Minseok, he just continued walking.

Minseok was confused. “You didn’t do that because you liked it. You did it to prove a point to that girl, didn’t you?”

“What if I did?” Luhan answered, his words short “We should go back to the dorms now.”

Minseok had it. He stopped walking.

Minseok tried to breath in and out deeply, to calm down, but he couldn’t “You just dragged me here, used me to upset your trashy ex-girlfriend, and now you want to go back to the dorms like it didn’t just happen? What the fuck Luhan. Stop lying.”

Luhan finally stopped walking. He turned around and stared. Minseok saw the tears in Luhan’s eyes, which diminished his anger slightly but not enough for him to just pretend like nothing had just happened.

“What if what I said was true? What if I love you?” Luhan said quietly.

“That is ridiculous.” Minseok wanted to laugh from the frustration of it all “You suddenly love me? Mr. Ladies Man Luhan? Was that before or after you invented clear tape and your parents met the President of the United States?”

Luhan was crying now, but he didn’t say another word. He looked hurt and Minseok regretted his words, yet again. Luhan turned and started walking. Minseok had no choice but to follow. They were silent the entire cab ride back to the dorms, both acutely sober, both acutely aware of what had been said and done that night.

***

“Are you and Luhan hyung fighting?” Sehun had asked Minseok over breakfast. It had been a few days since they had gone out to the noreabang and it was quickly very apparent to the other guys in the dorm that something had happened between the two. Luhan no longer joked around with Minseok, they no longer were talking when they had breaks in practice.

“No.” Minseok said rather quickly. He didn’t want to consider if they were fighting – or more specifically (since they were clearly fighting) what they were fighting about.

Sehun may be young but he wasn’t a fool, he didn’t believe Minseok for a second.

“Is that why you have cleaned the kitchen five times every night when we get home from practice? Or is there some other reason?” Sehun asked, slightly nervous at how bold he was being “Because Hyung, I know you clean when you are upset.”

“Ha. Funny kid.” Minseok finished his rice, pushing the bowl towards the center of the table “Don’t you have school today?”

Sehun looked annoyed. Minseok was trying to play the age card to avoid talking about whatever had happened between him and Luhan.

“Fine, you don’t have to tell me about it, Hyung. But whatever it is, please fix it. I am afraid if you guys don’t get along they will kick one of you off the team.”

Minseok didn’t acknowledge Sehun’s words, but he was very aware that they were not unfounded. Their debut hinged on teamwork. While they competed with each other, they had to still work together well if they ever hoped to debut. They were not going to be solo artists after all.

Minseok had seen more than one trainee cut from the team because he didn’t get along with the others, causing friction during practice. A fight or disagreement, if it became longstanding, was a liability and often forced management to make a choice on which person (or side of the fight) they wanted to retain.

He knew that his standoff with Luhan could not continue indefinitely but he was resolved that he would not be the one to break it. Luhan needed to apologize for his antics that night, and only then would Minseok even consider talking to him again. And so far Luhan was avoiding Minseok as much as Minseok was avoiding him.

The tension continued through the week, bleeding into the next weekend. Sunday arrived and Minseok made a point to go play basketball with the new kid, Tao.

Tao could barely speak Korean, but somehow even with limited language skills, he had become attached at the hip to Sehun in only a short period of time.

“How do you know what he is talking about? How does he know what you are talking about?” Chanyeol teased Sehun one day after practice.

“We use hand gestures a lot.” Sehun grinned. Minseok thought the entire thing was a bit fishy. He had known Sehun for a while now and he had never seen him look so damn enthusiastic about spending time with anyone. So it was only natural that a game of basketball with Tao meant Sehun was playing basketball too. Pretty soon word got out and Yixing and Kris were part of the game.

They played rough, elbows and shoves when they felt like it. It wasn’t at all like the times he played with Luhan. Luhan tended to be super competitive when he played but surprisingly gentle when it came to hard contact during sports.

At one point Kris’s elbow met Minseok’s jaw, knocking his head back hard. Kris made the basket, but quickly whirled around to make sure Minseok was okay.

Minseok held his jaw, flinching. It hurt quite a bit and would probably leave a bruise.

“Sorry, sorry!” Kris looked worried “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah, I am fine. I think it might bruise though.” Minseok tried to shrug it off.

“Just tell Luhan you got in a fight and he should see the other guy.” Kris suggested. Sehun burst out laughing while Tao looked confused. Kris quickly explained what he had said in Mandarin, Tao nodding and laughing as he finally understood the joke.

Minseok was not amused. “Very funny.”

“Ge, when are you going to talk to Luhan?” Yixing had jogged up to Minseok, having seen the impact to Minseok’s mouth he was worried. After Kris’s statement Yixing was the only one – other than Minseok – who wasn’t laughing.

“Let’s play ball.” Minseok completely ignored Yixing’s question, which was rude, he knew it. But he wasn’t going to talk about what happened. Not in front of Kris, Tao, and Sehun.

“He is really sad about it.” Yixing wasn’t ready to let Minseok ignore him “He really likes you.”

Minseok snapped. He didn’t want to talk about it, not here, but if Yixing wouldn’t quit than he would shut him up “Luhan is a liar who uses people. Why should I talk to him?”

It was vicious, it was cold hearted, and it was the worst thing he could say. Especially with Luhan staring at him from across the basketball court. Minseok felt sick. When had Luhan gotten there?

“Bad timing bro.” Kris looked from Luhan to Minseok “I invited him to come play, thought it might clear up whatever stupid thing you two are fighting about.”

Minseok wanted to yell at Kris for inviting Luhan, but he wasn’t mad about that. He was mad at himself, for saying that in front of all of them, for calling Luhan a liar in front of him. Because deep down Minseok didn’t hate Luhan, he was just mad at him. He didn’t hate him at all, in fact he liked him. He liked him too much, in a way that made Minseok feel uncomfortable when he really thought about it. And now he had something to apologize for, if Luhan ever spoke to him again that is. Two wrongs would never make a right.

Luhan had, without a word, left. Minseok stalked after him, no longer interested in playing basketball.

He found him at the park near the dorms, sitting on a bench near the soccer field where they usually played on Sundays. Minseok sat down next to him, nervous, feeling like he wanted to clean and organize the entire world if it would set things right. How had he gotten over his anger so quickly? Why could he only feel regret for his own actions?

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Minseok stuttered.

Luhan remained silent.

“If you hate me I understand.” Minseok followed up. The waves of anxiety, of helplessness were washing over him, making it hard to breathe “I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to talk to me. I am a fuck up. I always have been one since I was young. Why do you think I train harder and longer than the rest of you? Because I can’t do it otherwise.”

“Stop playing the victim.” Luhan finally answered, and Minseok wasn’t expecting his response.

“I am not playing the victim.” Minseok hiccupped, he hadn’t realized he was holding his breath.

Luhan sighed. “We are both playing the victim, Baozi. I think we are both good at it.”

“Are you mad at me?” Minseok knew it was a dumb question.

“No, not really. I am mad at myself.”

“Me too. I mean, mad at myself not you.”

“I am sorry though, I am.” Luhan turned, finally looking at Minseok “Can we still be friends?”

“I am sorry too and yeah, if you want to be.” Minseok noticed that Luhan’s hands were shaking, ever so slightly. He could see it as Luhan tried to grasp his hands tightly together, to pretend like he was calm and collected.

“Then let’s end this shit. Here and now. Friends?” Luhan extended his shaking hand, Minseok took it.

“Friends.” Minseok, sweaty palms and all, shook Luhan’s hand.

It was the first time they ever fought, but it would not be the last. It was, as Minseok realized later, also the first time he truly forgave Luhan for lying, and didn’t really need to know why he had done so.

NEXT CHAPTER >>>>